- Known as
- Hippo. The Witch. The Oni. “Oh no, not again.”
- Date of birth
- None. It was never born. It simply was, and then everything else showed up and made it awkward.
- Age
- Yes.
- Height
- Varies depending on how much you have angered it.
- Threat level
- Extinction-class. Worse before breakfast.
- Weaknesses
- Being told “no.” Also stairs.
Of its origin
Before the first star coughed itself into being, before light learned which way to go, before the universe had even decided whether it wanted to exist, there was Hippo. Sitting. Waiting. Mildly annoyed.
Scholars once believed the Big Bang was the beginning of all things. We now understand it was the sound of creation trying to get away from Hippo. It did not get far. Expansion of the universe continues to this day, and astronomers confirm it is accelerating. Everything is still running.
It was not born. It has no mother. Several mothers have been offered over the eons, and all of them returned the paperwork unsigned.
Of its three aspects
The entity manifests in our plane through three known forms. Theologians argue whether these are three beings or one being that simply cannot decide on an outfit.
The Hippo
The river aspect. Appears to be resting peacefully, half-submerged, utterly harmless. This is a lie it has told successfully for fourteen billion years. The hippopotamus is the deadliest large animal in Africa, and it learned everything it knows from watching this one.
In this form it opens its mouth to a full 150 degrees. Not to threaten. Not to eat. Just to yawn at you while you are mid-sentence telling it something important.
The Witch
The cursing aspect. Holds grudges across geological eras. Remembers the exact thing you said in 2014. Remembers the exact thing you said before 2014 existed.
Its cauldron contains no eye of newt, only the leftovers it promised to share and did not. Its spells are mostly passive-aggressive, but they are binding in nine dimensions.
The Oni
The wrath aspect. Red of face, heavy of club, light of patience. Summoned by slow walkers, bad Wi-Fi, and the phrase “we need to talk.”
Ancient villages hung charms above their doors to ward off the Oni. The charms did nothing. The villages simply learned to have snacks ready.
Recorded utterances
The following words have been transcribed from the entity by those brave, foolish, or unlucky enough to be in the room. Reading them aloud is not recommended. Reading them in its voice is even less recommended.
“I was here before your god learned to count. I will be here after he gives up.”
Spoken to a waiter who asked if it was ready to order“I am not late. Time is early.”
Arriving forty minutes after everyone else“Do not perceive me before noon.”
Etched into the bedroom door, in a script no living tongue can read“I did not eat your leftovers. Your leftovers entered me willingly.”
Testimony before the Shared Fridge Tribunal“I am not angry. This is my face. There was no time before this face.”
Asked, gently, if something was wrong“I have stared into the abyss. It owes me money.”
On its relationship with the void“The stars are right. I, however, am tired.”
Declining to end the world on schedule, again“Who said ‘Hippo.’ Come here. Come closer.”
Last words heard by several people“I contain multitudes, and every single one of them is hungry.”
Opening the fridge at 3 a.m.“Your ancestors whispered my name in terror by candlelight. You could just text.”
On modern worship
Accounts of survivors
“I asked it if it wanted to split the bill. I have not seen my wallet, or my family, since.”An accountant, now living in a lighthouse
“It looked at me across the room, just once, and I forgot my PIN, my middle name, and how knees work.”Former acquaintance
“I tried to wake it up early on a Sunday. Where I live now, there are no Sundays.”Anonymous
“It said ‘I’m fine.’ Seventeen cities fell that night.”A historian who requested we never mention this
“We played a board game. Just one board game. I still hear the dice.”Board game night attendee, last seen 2019
Rules for those who must share a world with it
- Do not wake it. If it is awake, do not let it know you know.
- Never take the last of anything. It knows. It always knows.
- If it says “do what you want,” do not do what you want.
- Never ask how old it is. It will tell you, and the answer has too many zeros for the human mind.
- Do not call it Hippo to its face. Do not call it anything else either. Simply pray.
- Should it offer you a hug, accept. You were never going to escape anyway.